Primary goal

What should be the primary goal in life? I have heard it many times: in life it is about the journey not the destination. Is that so?

Journey is definitely required to grow. We need to go through interesting events, misfortunes and happy moments. What is the result of all of that? The persona you become. In fact I think:

Greatest and absolutely most important goal of a man is to develop himself into someone he can trust.

If you trust in yourself, and that is based on sound principles, you will emanate great energy. Others will be drown to you. That is the goal, kind of destination. When you have trust in yourself, that you have enough strength, mental capacity, ambition and perseverance, that you will reach the goal, or get as far as possible in current circumstances, that is where you reach real self confidence and mental peace.

Leverage your change potential with 3rd person perspective

In life there comes a time when you will look at yourself from third person perspective. This triggers revaluation of everything you do. At least in me. I think this is beneficial moment.

It is an interesting experiment to question everything you do and do not do. Especially when you add to the picture your emotional reaction to projected emotional reaction of third person :) Are you still there? I mean you take into account how someone else feels about your habits and the way you are. I know, internal locus of control, that is the desired area from where you action should come. That is true, but I don't think we should hesitate to take any tool that might be useful.

I am definitely not saying you should pretend or make up other persona. I would rather go for developing best from yourself. Maybe there are areas that you would enjoy but never really tried. Somehow you postpone it. You don't consider them important at the moment. Travel, sport, movie or music knowledge? This is the proper time to make a move.

I know my knowledge and experience of the world is very limited. I want to work to improve this. Interesting idea is to pick up book you consider the best at the moment and read it for half an hour every morning.

Experiment, test, try but as I mentioned before, stay true to yourself otherwise you might become dissatisfied. 

Are you missing the trigger?

Framework of behavioral change

I have just read Tony Stubblebine (lift.do founder) habit building plan titled "No Soda for 21 days". On the surface it talks on how to stop drinking pop. However it contains many generic and useful information on how is human behavior triggered. This information can be valuable in all contexts, including your work, your business and your life.

B=mat

Stubblebine introduces BJ Fogg's Behavior Model called B=mat. Abbreviation stands for

Behavior = motivation + ability + trigger

in order for certain behavior to occur you need motivation, ability and proper trigger. Motivation and ability are somewhat interchangeable. You don't need high motivation to achieve simple goal. I believe however that most people don't miss motivation. That ability is not the issue neither. With desire people are able to obtain any skill. What I think we need the most is trigger.

Design your missing trigger.

Do you live default or designed way? Socrates have famously said "Unexamined life is not worth living". As we go about our life, we solve everyday similar problems and at some point we forget that we should question our assumptions. We just don't do it, and we are not aware we don't. There is nothing that triggers us to change or think about the change.

Step 1.Think of your best possible future.

You should be thinking and evaluating the most important things in your life. Your relationships, business partners, type of work you do, free time activities. Think of what is the best possible future in this areas. Make a habit of brainstorming new ideas and wait if something clicks.

Step 2. Research.

Feed your imagination and see what works. Do active research. See what other successful people are doing, what are they engaging in, what and how they achieved their goals. Read, read, read. Try self help books, blogs, q&a sites like quora.com.

Step 3. Get rid of time consuming and useless habits.

If you don't know what to change and don't think about the change chances are you engage in time wasting habits. Do you watch TV, YouTube, spend a lot of time on facebook? Do you play games? We all think we can do all those activities and still function normally, not missing anything. Opposite is true. Stop those habits for two weeks and see what happens. Remember the idea of replacement. If you stop one activity replace it with other. Instead of watching random movies posted on facebook buy a book (for instance this one The Talent Code. Greatness isn't born. It's Grown.) and read it during this time. I guarantee you that you will be inspired and motivated!

Step 4. Get a mentor or buddy.

I was not aware I can do it until I came across this idea. I never thought seriously about it. However, recently I did some research on that and have found multiple communities already benefiting from mentoring and self help sessions. It's great to have motivated individuals to work with. They can ask you questions you would never thought, analyze your behavior and hold you accountable.

There is no other person who will do the work for you. You need to introspect, ask and observe. You are the owner and designer of your life. Don't give up on this. I know it is almost obvious, but are you doing it? I hope to trigger you with this post. Before clicking x on the tab think of one thing you would like to improve in your life today.

Establish positive rituals and guard them!

What makes man great? 

Can man become great by single deed, sudden decision, one time effort however big? No. Man develops himself by consistent practice. It is like with a plant. It needs proper soil, water, light and time. You can't get instant results. Same is with a man. To become healthier you have to eat healthy for long period of time. To become writer you need to write hundreds of stories. But with each one your internal muscle grows. However small single act may appear at present moment don't neglect it. This is what makes us. It is similar to walking. Step on its own is insignificant, but done consistently takes us where we want. So how to start consistent practice?

Prefer rituals to will

I find it much easier to follow established rituals rather then rely on strong will. I would even say it is more healthy because you feel much better mentally if you follow ritual.

Let's say you want to read more books about healthy diet. After typical day of work you come home. You haven't established any time frame and any expectation on what will you read today. So you come home, and you see you have laundry to make. Then your friend calls you. Then there is an interesting movie you always wanted to see. So in the end, you have no time for reading. When you reflect on that day you feel it is wasted. The more such days you have the more distant that resolution seems.

Now let's consider opposite situation. You have weekend. You finally grabbed the book. You feel optimistic, information is great, you love reading it. You just can't put the book down. And your weekend vanishes. You wake up on Sunday evening realizing there are so many things you haven't done. You did not socialize enough, you did not exercise. Not very satisfying feeling? Except for missing balance you are also missing feeling of stability and direction. Very important, especially for serotonin driven people.

Establishing ritual

Think of what is the most important thing you want to achieve at the moment for yourself. Decide on one best ritual to move towards it. Let's assume you want to become better writer. So you decide you will start writing stories.

Start small and be specific about timing e.g. I will do it on every Tuesday and Sunday from 11 pm for half an hour. Do not plan for too much. Your ritual must be achievable. Adjust timing to what works best for you. Don't plan too many rituals. Don't  plan for time you suspect you will have to break your resolution. If, for instance, almost every Friday you go out with your friends don't plan anything then.

Guard your rituals.

The biggest battle of your life starts now! and will last for next three weeks. If you can resist temptations and stand up to excuses you will succeed. After a month of persistent practice your habit will become stronger, you will grow your confidence and will have great feeling after looking at your results.

Remember guarding your rituals starts much before your actual dedicated time. If you designated time in the morning go to sleep early. If your time is in the evening don't drink that day or go to events that might consume your time. 

Use NLP technique called behavior generator if you think you might have hard time sticking to your commitment. Day before think very realistically about your ritual. See 11.00 on the clock, imagine you are opening your laptop, feel what you think you will feel. Pay attention to emotions and kinesthetic feeling. That should result in your unconscious being ready and set for execution of your ritual. It really works. For more information about that technique try Richard Bandler books.

Additional benefits

I have already mentioned multiple benefits. You are getting your work done, your confidence grows, you feel better mentally about yourself. However there are more benefits about having already established rituals. It is much easier to add new ones (thanks Peter!, by the way I recommend http://piotr-em.blogspot.ca/). If you already write in the evening maybe you will add 10 minutes of meditation before that, or eat some healthy smoothie. So use your natural habit oriented wiring to your advantage and have fun! Take it step by step.

You need internal power to transform your life.

Everyone has its focus area

So you want to change something in your life? Maybe you want to be more effective at work, finally start writing a novel or improve your relationship but you feel you are stuck. You watch days go by, you still believe the change will come but have no idea when and how. Somehow you don't think it is possible at present moment. You have hit local optimum!

Life's curve

Life curve is a series of local optimums. We stay in certain mental or physical place until we find the power and energy to move beyond them. That moment we easily recognize: "This is the time, something inside of me flipped, I am determined, I believe it is possible, I do it!". Ahh, excellent moment. So how to hit that "Power moment" faster for any goal we have?

Establish your principles

Principles are our internal motors. They make us do and stop us from doing things. I have realized that many principles that I use to direct my life I am not fully aware of. Moreover, I can probably establish few more, very useful principles.

Since principles work on meta level, you will find  them directing your behavior on daily basis. What will happen is if you will face certain situation they will fire up and create more pressure on you to take action. Assume you have principle "I will NOT lead life I will regret". One day you are walking down the street and mesmerizing blonde passes you... Well, I will let you finish the story.

To give you some examples of principles:

• I will not lead life I will regret
• I will not fool myself (This principles is to keep recognizing what I really want even if everyone else around wants other things.)
• I invest in my development
• I stay positive and optimistic.
• I don't give up.

And remember to listen to this quiet voice in your head that tells you what to do. It will tell you to speak up, go for it. It is your subconscious that spotted the optimal moment. Go for it then.

Motivation to and from

There are two types of motivation: to and from. So use them both to your advantage.

Motivation to: think about desired outcome. The place that you want to move. Think what benefits you will get from it? What will change and how much you want that. What I find useful is to also create contrast to that desired future. So ask yourself  "how will my life look if I don't get there". What will I loose, what problems will I create for myself by doing things old way. Will I be frustrated, lonely, will I get health problems, get in other kind of troubles? 

Develop managerial force within

You need to think of yourself a manager of yourself. If you need better perspective think of managing someone else in your situation. If you were his manager what would you like him to do? When you think from executor perspective you often involve doubts and fears within your reasoning.

You sometimes also may be living in an illusion. You think you are doing something and think that is enough. So think about your situation in terms of outcomes. Have I got what I want? If not, what do I do about that. I know it sound simple, but it is not. Often we don't realize that we can question all of our life.

Create environment for a change

People all over the world differ in many aspects. Some find socializing easy and natural such as in Latin and Spanish countries. Probably UK people would be more distant and less approachable. Anyway, people behave similarly in certain environments because they pickup things by osmosis from each other. They, even unconsciously, observe behaviors and introduce them into own repertoire. So, whom ever you want to be, think of ways of getting around similar people. Changing within old environment, old friends with habits you want to break is more challenging. Let's consider you want to loose weight, stop drinking or become vegetarian. How much easier is to do it if there are supporting people that already have gone that way and can tip you and encourage you on your way.

Get a dedicated friend

Dedicated friend is gold. When you both want to achieve something its great to go same path together. Other person can give you feedback, analyse your behavior, tell you things you won't notice by yourself. Moreover, friend will push you to do things when you are in doubt. You will also have certain process in mind thinking about yourself: how will my friend see me? Someone will hold you accountable for your progress. It's additional positive pressure in good direction!

Food

It is so important that I can not emphasize it more. When you eat processed food, standard american diet; lot's of dairy, pastry, meat, it influences you in many ways. What is important for us is general health and energy levels. Body and mind not being intoxicated constantly and with important nutrition will create engine for change. You will by yourself have motivation and energy to execute. You will get new ideas. So take a look at research on food and follow healthy diet. It should include raw foods and essential fats. Take a look at resources:

The Ultra Mind solution

The Primal Blueprint

Nutrients for Better Mental Performance

Sleep

Comparing to eating properly getting good sleep is easy and pleasurable! We all know it, however often we don't do it. So go to sleep before midnight. No later. Sleep around 8 hours. Make sure you don't have any sounds at night that would disturb your sleep. Our mind is constantly on, it's listening, you don't want any sudden sounds that would make your mind think it's a threat. Some people use white sound generator. If during the night you hear music, neighbors or cars you might consider using it. 

Don't waste energy

If you are not effective and can not change certain things chances are you already have energy wasting habits. What do you do most of the time? Observe yourself and you might be amazed. After you came from work what do you do? Do you sit to your computer or TV? Do you smoke cigarettes on balcony, drink beer on regular basis, watch YouTube, spend time on Facebook? Have you ever written TLTR to anything? If you allow your mind to pursue distractions you will find difficult to maintain long periods of extensive focus. And that, according to Warren Buffet and Bill Gates is critical for achievement. Take a look at that book The Executive and the Elephant It will introduce you to many techniques of taming your inner elephant. On distractions you waste your vital energy. 

So, go ahead and change things: 

How to speak easier and louder

Why speak clearly?

Have you ever seen such face on any of your co-workers, family or lover?

Consciously or not, we all want to be better communicators. We want others to understand our speech, to listen with attention, and to respect our words. Natural and full voice can make wonders. People will first of all understand what you are saying. Moreover, voice is huge vehicle of sub communication. It tells what kind of person you are and how you feel at the moment. Authority, internal peace, joy, enthusiasm, and many more qualities you will be able to project with your voice. Plus speaking effortlessly and with natural resonance will give you great internal feeling of being in tune with yourself. I hope I managed to convince you it's worth taking closer look at your voice.

Before you dive

This material you will be reading will be filled with new concepts. Bare with me because its worth it! It might be helpful to take this knowledge, experiment and come back and reread the article. I have come to this knowledge after studying Alexander Technique, attending seminars on voice emission and watching many online materials. So that will be combination of many schools of thought but all of that I find useful. Bare in mind I am not an expert, these are just my observations.

I am fed up with searching for diaphragm!

• "Stand straight."
• "Breathe with diaphragm!"
• "Speak clearly and loudly!"

This is common advice you will find in internet. Was it useful to you? For me, it puts too much emphasis on end result. Does not go to the core of speaking, and does not give tools to take control over subtle processes happening in human body and mind. 

Prison of our muscular patterns

Breathing, standing, and speaking are complicated processes. They require synchronization of multiple muscles with correct timing. When you want to "speak louder" or "stand straight" - you don't in fact do it consciously because you don't have control over every muscle. What happens is you think thought of end result - "I want to speak louder". Your body loads certain habitual muscular pattern that you associate with such command. Chances are you have picked up tensions through out your life and now they are ingrained into your habits. Especially when it is about speaking "louder", standing "straight". For instance "standing straight " people associate with bending back in C shape, tensing neck and putting head backward. And that is not what we want. Tension is terrible to speech apparatus; it puts pressure on delicate parts, and kills resonance in voice (so you sound shy and quite). 

Conscious voice

There are few components I consider necessary for beautiful speech. This is where different schools of thought come in.

Psychology

It is about being in touch with yourself and being honest about how you feel. The more you are able to show yourself and your feelings in your voice, the more beautiful it sounds. I took it from Aneta Lastik, polish voice trainer. The book is titled "Get to know your voice" (link is in polish, no english version). Author have worked with many singers that had issues with clean singing. Often they had some unresolved issues about either hiding their aggression or pretending to be overtly confident. When they realize that they often changed (author also proposes few exercises to release internal feelings). Sometimes that required professional consultation.

One more important point here it to pay attention to meaning of what we are saying. Say for instance "love" thinking about boring thing. And then feel the passion of love, think of it, bring the image you associate with passion and say "love". Any difference in expression?

Posture

Relation between head, neck and body it of extreme importance. That is one key thing from Alexander Technique (AT). If you have it incorrect you are: 

• causing pressure on your larynx 
• decreasing way out for sound
• not allowing sound wave to bounce from your hard palate
• introducing tensions through out your body that effect other resonators

Ok, so how to stand effortlessly if we know that it is so difficult to change our habitual ways? Best way would be to take AT lesson. After 10 lessons you would be feeling much more at ease. If you can't, study this book "How you stand, how you move, how you live" but for now try this. Stand up. And few times do such a procedure. This is simplified from the mentioned book.

• Focus on area of your brain over your eyes. This is to make you more aware and allow your executive processes to be more successful. This supposedly activates prefrontal cortex. 
• Second thing do not go to your body to check if any changes happen. Don't try to feel tension in neck or back for now. It will change the focus area of your brain.
• Repeat quietly: "I am not talking to myself, my internal chatter quiets". This is to quiet your mind.
• Repeat directions: "I allow my neck to be free so that my head can to forward and up". Important do not do any of this in conscious manner.  Do not make move. Just repeat that. Your body will know what to do and will execute it.
• Repeat: "My shoulders are loose and float on my rib cage".
• Repeat: "My rib cage expands in width while I breathe".
• Repeat: "I am not tensing my: " for every: jaw, my tongue, neck

Repeat this procedure few times, at least 5. Now you can check how you feel. Wider, taller, lighter? If so, great, you will probably have more resonance and will speak more loudly and expressively. You will have to repeat that procedure to teach your body this state. You might want to repeat some of that thoughts through out the day.

Gentle introduction to AT.

Habitual use of our speech apparatus

We know at this point about "giving directions" and that though influences our body. Now we will finally say something but before that I will introduce concept of inhibition. It can have multiple meanings in AT. What we want to do with inhibition is to stop first habitual body response to though of doing something, stop conscious interference and allow body to act on its own by being directed by our directions. Easy, it might take some time and experimentation. Procedure:

• Direct your body for good posture as in the previous point. 
• We will be saying aloud for instance "My voice is loud, resonant and I love talking"
• You think as if you want to say it, as if you are almost about to say it you say "stop. I am not saying anything". At this point you stop your habitual use. Repeat it 3 times. Probably you will notice changes in body - certain tensed muscles will release. Good.
• Now direct once again  "I allow my neck to be free so that my head can to forward and up". 
• Say to yourself  "I allow my body to say" and say aloud "My voice is loud, resonant and I love talking"

The basic idea here is we don't do things, we try to allow our body by means of directions to do it by itself. This kind of directions and inhibition you might want to use in sport or dance as well.

General knowledge and exercises:

I don't neglect voice teachers. They know what they do, but I love to supplement this knowledge with Alexander Technique. And I like to apply what they teach in my own way. I encourage to search for traditional tips as well as I am not repeating them:

• How to pronounce better. Some people just do not open their jaw enough. Some don't move their lips. This awareness and few exercises might really help.
• Find out about resonators and how to activate them. Often its focusing on speaking vowels. Vowels are the vehicles of sound. Pronounse "s, k" and "a, o, e". So many people just say sentences where they extend and accent vowels - try youself "I lOOOvEEE tOOO tAAAlk".
• Find your right pitch of voice. Often we speak to high. When you will lower your pitch just a little bit like 15% your resonators will start to work better. Check out Nancy Daniels - Voicing It for more details on how to find it.
• Be more expressive. Take sentence of any kind and try to say it more expressively. Its fun and teaches your brain new ways of expression.

Practice those techniques by recording yourself. Get application on ipad or your phone and record yourself. Practicing without recorder is misleading, don't do that. Experiment with what you have learnt and observed. I would love to hear your comments. What worked best for you and if there is anything that is not clear.